She told me, “You are a very sensitive person but you try to hide that fact; You do things in order to prevent yourself from getting hurt. A lot of that has to do with your family; because you have been let down by them, you don’t believe in people. And it breaks my heart to see you live your life, expecting people to leave you. You don’t say anything, because in your mind are you thinking that they are going to leave anyway, so what’s the point? You only get ‘close enough’ to people and then you stop.”
I didn’t understand it when other people told me that I do not have faith in people, but her ability to pinpoint the exact source of my behavior has led to a remarkable flip in my mentality. It triggered a reevaluation of the people who are currently in my life and, most importantly, the people who has shown they want to be in my life.
I was asked “Who are the people you want in your life?” The answer to this question will be the first step; to really focus on who I want to keep. The second step is to utilize the blessings of modern day technology to keep in touch on a regular basis. We had a war about Facebook over this and I have come to the conclusion that I love it because of its ability to maintain distant relationships in such a fast-paced globalized world. However, I have been picking up the phone more often just remember a familiar voice.
I apologize for neglecting those who have vested in our relationship. I may have cause the downfall of certain relationships in response to my fear of abandonment, to “protect” myself. For those who fight to stay in my life, I thank you and am wholeheartedly aiming to strengthen our bonds, to risk my heart to you, and to show my good, my bad, and my vulnerable.
Too often we are looking forward and outward to search for that something to “complete” us. We forget we have all we need already; we just need to use it to build what we want out of it. We look to ideas, destinations, people, etc. in hopes of a promise to fill in that missing part, but that promise is a decision that we make in our heads. The inability of the idea, destination, people, etc. to complete us is because we subliminally decide that it won’t be it… and so we keep searching. Because I didn’t believe in people to stay in my life, to help me, and to love me, I overlooked them easily…
I can be loved… and I’m ready for it.
